THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY

I don’t really know how to describe this season for our family. Perhaps “The Agony and the Ecstasy” fits well, much like Michelangelo, as he painted the Sistine Chapel. Right now, we’re in the throes of both joy and sorrow, as we watch Linda slowly slip through the portal into eternity. Moment-by-moment we’re pulled in an emotional tug-o-war.

Sometimes days drag on in torturous monotony. She struggles to breathe. Her body has almost completely shut down. Her mind is incoherent. The Linda we loved is no longer with us.  Any conversations, interactions, activities—anything I want to share with her—will never happen again in this life. It breaks my heart, but at the same time I know there are so many adventures that lie ahead for us together in heaven. It’s the quintessential happy ending.  

These days have also brought countless blessings—moments of ecstasy in the midst of agony. Experiencing the presence of God, like I’ve never known before. The support of our family as we grieve together. Hospice workers who are like angels sent to serve us. An outpouring of love from our church and friends, coming in the form of meals, flowers, cards, and texts. Intimate conversations with Linda that are priceless.

And then there are miracles. It appears we’re not getting the Big Miracle we fervently prayed for—Linda’s healing—but God supplies little miracles each day. Such as my favorite picture of Linda mysteriously showing up on my phone as the wallpaper—just a day after I was thinking about it. How did it get there? I didn’t do it, and no one else knew about the picture. It was a kiss from God—a tiny miracle—right along with our new puppies, Rocket and Maple. You can’t help but smile when you look at them. We see miracles happening all around us.

When someone asks how I’m doing—honestly, I have no words to describe the feeling. The torture of waiting for her to pass, intermingled with so much joy. Linda is excited and ready to go. God is giving her glimpses into the next world, and she says, “It’s beautiful!” As for the rest of us, we’re stuck here, in the weird mix of the agony and the ecstasy.